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Welcome to Deadspin’s The Sports activities Nihilist, the place all is for naught and we’re however unintentional jolts of electrified meat caught to the floor of a rock in an detached universe. Fuck you.
Jalen Rose famously says you bought to present the folks what they need, and the web needs venom. It’s sustained on negativity. Your goddamn negativity. There’s a Drive-Darkside analogy in right here someplace, however I’m unsure the place the insult is, so let’s skip it.
You understand what sort of slideshow does numbers that make digital media corporations salivate like ravenous canine? Unbearable fanbases. You understand what sort of late-afternoon throwaway publish with offhand jokes will get Twitter riled up? A destructive one. How a few headline predicting an early finish to a gifted participant’s profession? Hell fucking yeah. By no means thoughts that he might be good for the sport and probably your workforce, bury this clown alive.
You see, the factor about going surfing and saying some shit is I get a paycheck to justify it. I’m only a skilled doing a job; it’s nothing private. I do know that’s what the dangerous man says to the great man proper earlier than getting his head blown off for committing a private and really heinous crime. And I’m cool with being the villain.
When nothing issues, the one factor that issues is how you’re feeling, and I’ve to say, I really feel sufficient to rise up every single day and preserve going. I’m doing fairly effectively at my job. My columns get clicks, my output is close to the highest of Deadspin, and I sleep nice at night time.
A logical one who cares about empathy and journalistic integrity could be appalled to listen to me say that, however I’m positive being that man — taking on the web, calling out others as a result of I refuse to look inward, shortly aggregating semi-viral moments for just a few straightforward web page views, and consuming myself to sleep at night time.
What’s spiraling debt if cash is merely a figment of capitalism? I’ll be at peace when the world ends not with a bang however with the gradual erosion of our ecosystem because the legal guidelines of nature strangle out life from this planet, turning us right into a science venture for a wiser extra clever species to find and examine.
In case you’re (nonetheless studying and) saying to your self, “I assumed this man was alleged to be making enjoyable of the Candy 16?” It’s coming. Take it straightforward you fucking hyena. You may click on “Subsequent slide” at any level. I’ve just a few extra insults to hurl at individuals who spend their day inhaling hate.
Properly, truly, that about sums it up, so now for the half that you just’ve all been ready for: The negativity. My apologies if the next jokes are actually dangerous. I’m actually cranking them out as quick as I can.
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